Packing up and heading home

The family and I are heading home tomorrow.  I am super duper excited for this trip because I am staying for the week in Home Town while The Hubs drives back to our apartment in Hill Country for work.  I hate being away from him even for one night and being away from him Sunday through Friday is going to be extremely tough but at the same time I need this.  Even though I try to get out once a day these four walls in our apartment in Hill Country are closing in on me.  I think even G is getting antsy.  We need some more human interaction and we are going to get it back in Home Town by seeing family and friends.  I always feel so refreshed and ready to come back to Hill Country after a few days in Home Town. 

I already have some nights planned with people.  This is a big thing for me.  I am not a planner.  I am more of a play it by ear type of girl.  (Which I know drives everyone around me NUTS.) I plan on spending the day running errands and hanging out with my sister and baby Dante.  I even have a night out on the town with one of my besties planned!  I can CANNOT WAIT!  Momma needs this. 

Now I have to do the one thing that I hate and procrastinate the most but seem to have to do more often than not...pack.  Ah, the downside to gyspie life.  

Gianna's 4 mth stats.

So G and I went to her 4 mth appointment today. I have to say I was not too surprised by the results considering she is in nine month clothing. G weighs 16lbs and 13 oz. She is also 27 inches long. When I asked the doctor if she was still in the 95% for height she told me that she was not. She is in fact, off the charts. Holy hell.

The doctor then proceeded to tell me that basically my little girl has the body of a 7 mth old. Yikes! She went on to say that people will probably look at her and wonder why she is developmentally behind without realizing that she is only 4 mths old, but in the end the good thing about it all is that she is healthy. um, gee, thanks.

Well here's to hoping that she grows up coordinated so she can do something with all that height she has.

Happy 4 mths to a beautiful baby girl.

My Dear Gianna,

Its times like these that I wish I was better at expressing myself with my words.  I wish I could tell you all the wonderful feelings and emotions that are inside of me when I think of you or when I see your beautiful face.  I am in awe of you.  

You are growing rapidly before my eyes into this big girl.  The smile on your face lights up my day.  It warms my heart.  You do not laugh too often but when you do its so full and deep.  You are learning new things everyday.  Each day is a new discovery.  Like today when you found your toes.  You grabbed a hold of them while on your changing table and smiled the biggest smile.  You knew you did something new and you knew it was something special.  Your big blue eyes shine and show so much expression.  I have loved staring into those eyes from the moment you were born.  You are an easy going, go with the flow type of girl. You are such a good good baby.   

I look forward to spending the future with you.  Sharing the advice that my mom shared with me, going shopping with you for your first homecoming dress, and holding you during your first heartache.  For now I am enjoying the moments I have with you.  I know they'll go by quickly and one day I will look at you and you will not be my little baby any longer.  I cherish moments that you and I share, the smile you give me every morning when I take you out of bed, the fact that I can kiss you all over your face and squeeze you tightly and you do not pull away, and that your eyes follow me when I walk through a room.

Happy 4 mth day, G.  My beautiful amazing baby girl.

Love,

Momma

Light up the cigar. It's a Boy!

I am an Aunt once again to a beautiful baby boy.  Dante Elliot was born February 20 at 9:21 AM; 6lbs, 10oz and 10" long.  This would be my sisters second child and son.  He is as perfect as they come and looks like the Italian grandchild that my mom always thought she would have.  Check out the thick black hair and beautiful olive tone skin.

It must have been the weekend for babies to be born because one of my besties sister had a baby 24 hours earlier than my sister.  Beautiful baby girl.  This too is their second child and girl. They named her Sierra Brielle.   On top of that I had three other acquaintances who had babies this weekend.  We got babies coming out of our ears, folks.  

My lovely husband had the gall to say that he wants another baby while we were waiting to meet our nephew at the hospital.  He told every one, including my parents and his parents that he is ready.  I am beginning to think he is on crack.  Baby crack. He has had a taste of it and wants and craves more.  More babies.  Hell to the no!  That is what I say.  If he wants another he can birth it.  One is enough for me right now.  I am going to love and cuddle and enjoy the one I got. Thank.you.very.much.

Let it snow!

It's snowing yet again in the hill country.  These little white demons that fall from the sky will not let up.  First it was 20 inches then another 10 and then another whatever inches.  I've stopped keeping track.  This weather has brought our lives to a complete halt.  No way am I taking out my 3 mth old in this windy wintery mess.  Instead we have been cozying up on the couch. Catching up on our DVR, playing in our jumperoo, and cooking homemade hot veggie soup.

Even Zoey is feeling its effects. When she goes outside to do her stuff she has trouble keeping all four paws on the ground due to the cold and the wet.  First one paw comes up then another.  If she could hop on one leg I bet she would do it. With every few steps that she takes she stops and licks one of her cold paws then walks some more.  And again, lick lick.  You would think by now she would have it figured out that instead of stopping to lick her paws every three steps she would be better off running towards the house as soon as she is done doing her business.  Nope, not my dog. Gotta love her. 

Although its nasty out there from the inside of our little home it sure is pretty.  But so would it be if we lived on a beach in the Gulf somewhere...

Compliment

Conversation with my husband last night.

Husband: Hun, Do you know that you are totally a MILF now.

Me:  Thanks hunnie.  

May not be poetry but I'll take it.  

Celebrating with Cupid

Happy Valentines Day!!  One year ago today we were delightfully surprised with this.Two lines that change our lives completely.  I remember like yesterday waking up in the early morning after having a dream of a baby and taking this test.  I ran downstairs I kissed my husband wished him a Happy Valentines Day and he responded that today was just another day.  ::insert laugh::  Little did he know how life changing this holiday, this day, was going to be for us.

After that kiss I ran out of the house with the pregnancy test stick in purse to buy my him a V day gift, all the while keeping my pregnancy results or the fact that I even took the test to myself.  I vividly remember sitting in the parking lot of our local grocery store with shaking hands pulling out that pregnancy test and staring at it in complete disbelief.  I did this repeatedly.  In and on of my purse checking to see if the results had changed.  We did it.  After months of trying we created a baby.  I quickly bought a card and ran to another store to buy my husband a parenting book specifically for fathers.  (This post is a perfect example of how much of a procrastinator  I truly am.) 

In a decorative bag I threw in the pregnancy stick, the book and the card describing how today was not just a typical day but actually one of the most important day of our lives.  I drove home with still shaking hands and handed my husband the gift.  Valentines Day may be just a silly hallmark holiday but for our family it will be a constant reminder of the gift that God bestowed upon us.  This gift:

The unspoken truth

Not every mother automatically feels that overwhelming bond with their child.  I know I didn't.  ::phew::  I said it.  I cannot describe the guilt you feel when you are holding this brand spanking new baby in your arms and you are waiting and waiting for this overwhelming bond btw you and your newborn child.  Then you finally realize that its just not going to happen.   You cannot help but think to yourself what the heck is wrong with you?  You are supposed to have this feeling of a lioness watching over her baby cub.  You are supposed to have this magical bond the moment they drop that precious miracle into your arms.  If not then, then the first time you breast feed your child.  You are told how it's sooo beautiful and such a bonding experience.   At least that is what every one told me was supposed to happen.  Bullshit.  

It does not happen to all mothers and to those that share my experience most keep quite about it.  This goes against every thing you hear about bearing a child.  Sure I felt love for this human that I brought into this world, but she was like an alien to me.  The experience was alien to me. I was there but really, I was not.

 

I felt like WWIII took place in my vagina, I had a little person who was tearing my nipples off every three hours, and do not even get me started on the lack of sleep.  Oh, the lack of sleep!  You think you are prepared for this but there is no way you ever really truly are.  The things your hormones do to you after you birth a child is crazy.  The best way for me to describe it was like you are going through menopause.  This includes crying for no reason, shivering with cold after finding yourself in a pool of sweat,  sleeping only a total of 2 hours in a 24 hour period.  The best way to describe the first two weeks was that I was in survival mode.  

I resented my daughter every time she cried. How horrible is that!?!  It meant that I had to wake up from the precious couple hours of sleep I was enjoying to feed her.  Feeding her meant I had to pull down my nursing bra (pads too!) with painfully engorged leaking boobs the size of cantaloupes with cracked raw and bleeding nipples to feed her.  I resented her for the fact that my husband had to sleep on the couch while I was in our bed just so he could get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep so he could function at work the next day.

In confidence, I only told a few people of these feelings.  I did not want to be a freak of nature.  I did not want people to think that I did not love my child because I did! I swear!  They all told me this was okay.  This was normal.  I could not help but keep thinking , if this was okay and normal why have I never heard of anyone else going through this? 

This resentment and lack of a bond lasted for a solid month and a half.  Then one day.... it got better. Just like that.  Like someone hit a light switch.  Maybe it was her first smile, maybe it was that things clicked with breast feeding, or maybe it was that my hormones balanced themselves out.  Heck, it could have been all of the above combined.  I did not care what it was.  I was grateful.  Each day that passed I fell more and more in love with my little girl.  A little seed within me grew and I felt with each passing day that she was more a part of me or I a part of her.  

I now know what all those other mothers were talking about.  That gut wrenching I will do anything for this child nobody better lay a finger on her if she hurts I hurt feeling.  I get it now.  And one day my little girl may become a mommy and if that day comes I will tell her the truth. My truth.  I will let her know that if she ever feels the way I felt it's okay.  She is not alone.  Mommy understands and Mommy promises it will get better.  Much much better.    

My motto in life

Happy Health & Loved.  These were the things I wished for every time I blew candles out on my birthday cake, when I threw a penny into a fountain and every time I saw a falling star.  Many of times I would have loved to use these occasions to wish for a puppy or a million dollars, but instead I always wished on these three intangible things.  

I can promise you that there will be plenty of  grammatical errors and even with the help of spell check words will not be spelled correctly.  There may even be a dash of vulgarity and ::gasp:: cuss words.  I will use words in the wrong context.  If you decide to keep reading along you may find you enjoy the ramblings of my everyday life.  If you do, good.  If not... well that is your problem. 

I am happy to report that due to great genetics, an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, loving family, amazing friends, and a crazy dog my three wishes have come true.  When times are rough or when I feel jealousy rearing its ugly face my way I remind myself.... I am happy, healthy and loved.  What more can you ask for?  What more do you need?  Not a damn thing.