Wednesday, May 9, 2012

This week has been a rollercaster...

of emotions.

It all started two days ago when I decided to take a pregnancy test when I first woke up.  To my complete and utter surprise there was a second line.  It was light but, my God, it was there.  I stared at it, frozen, wondering if I was seeing things.  The phrase "a line is a line" kept running through my head.  I had to know if I was imagining things, so I sent the picture out to a few friends to see if they saw it too.

I asked my friends to not say I was pregnant.  Told them to not congratulate me.  I didn't want to believe that this was it.  I told them that it had to have been left over hormones from the trigger.  I kept repeating to myself that the HCG hormone HAD to still be in my system and that this was a false positive.  My friends scoured the internet trying to find different forums and articles about how long a trigger lasts in someone system.  From everything I read it looked like it was super rare for it to still be in your system 7 dpo but on the rare occasion, especially with someone slim, 11 dpo.  I was 11dpo.

Despite all the precautions I was mentally taking, trying to convince myself that this WASN'T pregnant,  deep down inside I was hopeful.  I found myself on cloud nine that day.  I even rubbed my belly a time or two.  Hubs came home that evening and unbeknownst to me started messing with my phone and found the pictures.  He asked me if the pictures that he stumbled on were what he thought they were and I confided to him that it was.  I then quickly explained to him why I didn't want to tell him and that this could mean absolutely nothing.  I could very well NOT be pregnant.  We hugged and kissed and, well, we were cautiously overjoyed.

The following morning I took another test praying to anyone that would listen to me asking that they make this line got darker instead of lighter.  It wasn't.  I was crushed.  To say I cried a little bit that day was an understatement.  When Hubs came home from work he wrapped me up in his big arms and held me as I sobbed like a fucking baby.  Over and over he told me that he loved me.  That he wouldn't change a thing about our life.  That he would 100% take his vow of marriage over again even if he knew before hand that we would have these issues. He said that he felt blessed with our little family of three.  He told me to be patient with myself and to give myself a break.  That he knew it would eventually happen and if it didn't it was ok.  That in the end everything will be alright.  And I sobbed some more.  I married an amazing amazing man.

Today I am feeling a bazillion emotions.  From sadness that this cycle was a bust, to confidence that I am going to kick this diagnosis's ass someday, to thankfulness for the beautiful toddler that I am so blessed to have in my life.  I didn't test today and I started spotting this afternoon, a for sure sign that my monthly BFF is on her way.  If my period doesn't start before tomorrow at 9:00 am I go into my RE's office for a blood draw.  I am preparing myself for the phone call later that afternoon where they tell me I am not pregnant.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

After Clomid and Trigger Shot.

For the two people who read this (Ha! I'm not kidding anyone.  I am the only one who reads this) I apologize for taking so long to update.  I wrote this big long post out but couldn't proof read it/publish it before my weekend visitor came over.  I came back Sunday to what I thought would be a saved draft post to an empty screen.  Ticked off a blogger I slammed my laptop closed and didnt cool off about it all until today.  :)

So here we go...

I went in for multiple ultrasounds last week and found out that I had three dominate follicles.  (Two at first and then the last ultrasound showed that a third started to grow).  When I was first told the news I was so relieved.  After I left the office I actually sat in my car and cried happy tears.  Finally after a year of trying I felt a little bit of hope returning.  I couldn't believe it.  I actually responded well to the clomid. 

On the 26th the nurse called the afternoon after my appointment to tell me that the RE wanted me to trigger.  Like the drama queen that I am I hung up the phone and freaked the hell out.  I was scared.  Terrified.  I cried.  I did not want to give myself a shot.  I quickly asked hubs via text if he would do it for me and his response was something along the lines of I am not really comfortable with this, at all, but will if you need me.  Great.

So that night I got the shot all ready and handed it over to my Hubs telling him to do it.  He then handed it back to me telling me that he couldn't.  This back and forth exchange when on for about ten mins, no joke, before he agreed that he could do this to help me out.  I stood there, pinching my stomach fat with my face turned away for him for about five mins while he stood there with the needled aimed at my stomach and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  I turned to him and asked him what the hell was taking him so long because I was starting to sweat and my heart was pounding.  His responded that he was worried about hurting me or bending the needle inside me and that he is going to do it but just slowly and steadily.  At that point I grabbed the needle from him and told him to get the heck out of my way.  I was going to give myself the damn shot.  And I did.  

Honestly the anticipation of it all was a million times worse then actually administering it.  Hubs thanked me for doing it saying that he wanted to help but really couldn't get himself to do it.  He then said something along the lines that he didn't go into medicine for a reason and then mumbled something like "its just not right to have to do something like that to your wife".  I told him he was a wuss.  

Tomorrow I go in to check my progesterone levels and then I go in next Thursday for a blood draw to see if I am pregnant.