Wednesday, May 9, 2012

This week has been a rollercaster...

of emotions.

It all started two days ago when I decided to take a pregnancy test when I first woke up.  To my complete and utter surprise there was a second line.  It was light but, my God, it was there.  I stared at it, frozen, wondering if I was seeing things.  The phrase "a line is a line" kept running through my head.  I had to know if I was imagining things, so I sent the picture out to a few friends to see if they saw it too.

I asked my friends to not say I was pregnant.  Told them to not congratulate me.  I didn't want to believe that this was it.  I told them that it had to have been left over hormones from the trigger.  I kept repeating to myself that the HCG hormone HAD to still be in my system and that this was a false positive.  My friends scoured the internet trying to find different forums and articles about how long a trigger lasts in someone system.  From everything I read it looked like it was super rare for it to still be in your system 7 dpo but on the rare occasion, especially with someone slim, 11 dpo.  I was 11dpo.

Despite all the precautions I was mentally taking, trying to convince myself that this WASN'T pregnant,  deep down inside I was hopeful.  I found myself on cloud nine that day.  I even rubbed my belly a time or two.  Hubs came home that evening and unbeknownst to me started messing with my phone and found the pictures.  He asked me if the pictures that he stumbled on were what he thought they were and I confided to him that it was.  I then quickly explained to him why I didn't want to tell him and that this could mean absolutely nothing.  I could very well NOT be pregnant.  We hugged and kissed and, well, we were cautiously overjoyed.

The following morning I took another test praying to anyone that would listen to me asking that they make this line got darker instead of lighter.  It wasn't.  I was crushed.  To say I cried a little bit that day was an understatement.  When Hubs came home from work he wrapped me up in his big arms and held me as I sobbed like a fucking baby.  Over and over he told me that he loved me.  That he wouldn't change a thing about our life.  That he would 100% take his vow of marriage over again even if he knew before hand that we would have these issues. He said that he felt blessed with our little family of three.  He told me to be patient with myself and to give myself a break.  That he knew it would eventually happen and if it didn't it was ok.  That in the end everything will be alright.  And I sobbed some more.  I married an amazing amazing man.

Today I am feeling a bazillion emotions.  From sadness that this cycle was a bust, to confidence that I am going to kick this diagnosis's ass someday, to thankfulness for the beautiful toddler that I am so blessed to have in my life.  I didn't test today and I started spotting this afternoon, a for sure sign that my monthly BFF is on her way.  If my period doesn't start before tomorrow at 9:00 am I go into my RE's office for a blood draw.  I am preparing myself for the phone call later that afternoon where they tell me I am not pregnant.

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