Sunday, August 12, 2012

Treading Water No More

Throughout this year and a half that we have been trying to make baby number two I have felt like I have been stuck in this limbo land of wanting to be pregnant, waiting to see if I am pregnant and then mourning over the fact that I was not pregnant to only then have to start the vicious cycle all over again the following month. It felt like I was forever treading water. Just trying my best to stay afloat while friends all around me were announcing their pregnancies, which over time has turned into them all one by one having their babies. With each month that passed it got more and more difficult to continue to tread that water until I reached, what I though was the pinnacle of my struggle, when I finally received the diagnosis that answered all the questions as to why we werent having any success. Thats when the waters got really rough and I found that in order to continue to tread in the water I had to work much much harder to stay afloat. After my news that we ran out of infertility coverage for this calendar year and that the coverage we do have would only cover 1/3 of the cost for IVF when we got it back in Jan I slipped into a dark place. My emotions went from complete shock to, pure panic, to finally depression. The kind of depression that leaves you hiding in the bathroom of your home sobbing uncontrollable tears. I was no longer treading water but felt like I was sinking and sinking fast, just gasping for air. I needed to do something. I had to make this hurt stop. I needed to make my infertility stop consuming my life. I have an amazing blessing right in front of my eyes and I felt it wasn't fair to her that I couldn't get my shit together. So at the very last min on Sunday I decided that I was going to drive back to my hometown with my little sister, Gianna and the dog that following morning and visit with my family. And I did. I only was gone for a quick five days but it was just the medicine I needed. I spent time with my family, ate amazing home cooked Italian food and drank some real good MI wine. I kept busy. Running from one persons house to the next. I had long talks with my mom and sisters. I watch my baby girl hug, kiss and play with her cousins and grandparents. Somewhere along the way I found strength. I regained faith. I began to hope again. This weekend my little family of three spent a lot of quality time together. We watched movies, rode our bikes for an insane amount of miles, and enjoyed a glass or two of wine with friends. I still feel like I am in a good place. Much better than how I was a mere weeks ago. I decided that I am taking a new stance to my infertility. Whatever will be will be. Its out of my hands and its not something I can control. I am no longer allow the stress of it all to consume me. I am trying to keep faith that there is a reason I am walking down this road. That this is just a small part of a much bigger picture that is my life. That I will, years from now, look back and understand. I have to believe that there is someone much bigger than me taking care of me. Faith and Hope.

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