Saturday, July 7, 2012

My Oh Shit Moment

Yesterday I picked up all my meds for this next cycle.  I was feeling excited to start this cycle cuz we are switching up from a clomid cycle to an injectable cycle.  In my heart of hearts I never felt like the clomid was going to do us any good but we still went along with the RE's plans because what do I know?  I didnt go to med school for eight million years. Whereas with the injectable I always believed that we have an honest shot at getting pregnant.  At that moment I was in a super good place.  Ready to dive into these new meds.

HCG med not pictured.  Please excuse my crappy cell phone pic.
When I went to the pharmacy I was a little surprised by the amount of bags that the pharmacist pulled out from who knows where.  I don't know what I was thinking but I do know I wasn't expecting to see bags upon bags filled with boxes upon boxes of medication and needles.  I watched as they starting placing all the meds in a cooler with ice packs when it hit me, this is serious business.

When I got home I laid out all my meds, syringes, and needles on the counter to make room for them in my fridge.  Looking at all of the medication stacked up on my counter all I could think about was how it looked like a pharmacy in my very own home.  I suddenly became really overwhelmed and then just incredibly sad.  I did what it seems like lately infertility always makes me do, I cried.  

Cried because I couldn't believe that it came to this point.  Cried because I feel sorry for my poor stomach that is going to have to endure a beating.  Cried because of the fear that I may go through all of this for nothing. Cried because if this doesn't work we will have to do IVF and that just means even more bags upon bags of boxes upon boxes. I cried because it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am infertile.  I need to take serious meds to achieve a pregnancy.

Hubs must have had his "my wife is gonna need me radar" on cuz he came home early that day from work, which he rarely ever gets to do, just mins after my first tears started falling.  He did what he has always been amazing at.  He wrapped me up in his big strong arms and kissed the top of my head and told me its gonna be alright.

I was talking to a friend about this who is in a similar boat as myself and she said "It is for sure overwhelming. I was excited getting ready to do my first ivf. After I got the meds I just cried. Have your pity party for yourself over the unfairness then pick yourself up and remind yourself how freaking 
beautiful this baby will be and loved." And that is exactly what I did.  

I am again in that excited place.  I start my first injection on Monday.  I have my gloves on and I am prepared to do what I need to do to kick infertility's ass.  

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