Injectable Cycle

Im in my 2 weak wait on an injectable cycle. Overall it wasn't as scary or difficult as I thought it would be. I had to give myself Gonal-F from CD 3 through CD 9. At CD 7 they had me add Cetrotide which I had to do in addition to the Gonal-F meds until CD 9 to help me not ovulate prematurely. On CD 10 I took my trigger shot to induce ovulation. CD 12 we had an IUI and then I started using progesterone cream. By the end of it all my stomach was a little sore from all the injections but really it wasn't too bad at all. The one wonderful thing was that I didn't have any of the horrible side effects that I had with clomid. The only thing I have to complain about is a lot of bloat, loss of hair and the inability to take a nice dump. Which overall isn't too bad....besides the not being able to dump. That sucks. Thankfully I responded pretty well to these meds too. I had two follicles on my left that we're at a 19 and at least four additional follicles btw my right and left ovaries that were at a 13. I'm feeling a bit more hopeful this cycle. I have always thought if anything was going to work, other than IVF, this would be it. Hubs on the other hand tells me to not get my hopes up and to go through this thinking that it not going to work. He believes that IVF is going to be our golden ticket. If this cycle is another bust we are moving forward with IVF. Hopefully we won't have to go that far but we are ready. We have done all would could thus far to try to have a baby and we think it's time to bring out the big guns. I'm allowing a very minuscule part of me get excited with the thought that in about 8ish weeks I could be *finally* pregnant. Hopefully.

My Oh Shit Moment

Yesterday I picked up all my meds for this next cycle.  I was feeling excited to start this cycle cuz we are switching up from a clomid cycle to an injectable cycle.  In my heart of hearts I never felt like the clomid was going to do us any good but we still went along with the RE's plans because what do I know?  I didnt go to med school for eight million years. Whereas with the injectable I always believed that we have an honest shot at getting pregnant.  At that moment I was in a super good place.  Ready to dive into these new meds.

HCG med not pictured.  Please excuse my crappy cell phone pic.

When I went to the pharmacy I was a little surprised by the amount of bags that the pharmacist pulled out from who knows where.  I don't know what I was thinking but I do know I wasn't expecting to see bags upon bags filled with boxes upon boxes of medication and needles.  I watched as they starting placing all the meds in a cooler with ice packs when it hit me, this is serious business.

When I got home I laid out all my meds, syringes, and needles on the counter to make room for them in my fridge.  Looking at all of the medication stacked up on my counter all I could think about was how it looked like a pharmacy in my very own home.  I suddenly became really overwhelmed and then just incredibly sad.  I did what it seems like lately infertility always makes me do, I cried.  

Cried because I couldn't believe that it came to this point.  Cried because I feel sorry for my poor stomach that is going to have to endure a beating.  Cried because of the fear that I may go through all of this for nothing. Cried because if this doesn't work we will have to do IVF and that just means even more bags upon bags of boxes upon boxes. I cried because it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am infertile.  I need to take serious meds to achieve a pregnancy.

Hubs must have had his "my wife is gonna need me radar" on cuz he came home early that day from work, which he rarely ever gets to do, just mins after my first tears started falling.  He did what he has always been amazing at.  He wrapped me up in his big strong arms and kissed the top of my head and told me its gonna be alright.

I was talking to a friend about this who is in a similar boat as myself and she said "It is for sure overwhelming. I was excited getting ready to do my first ivf. After I got the meds I just cried. Have your pity party for yourself over the unfairness then pick yourself up and remind yourself how freaking 
beautiful this baby will be and loved." And that is exactly what I did.  


I am again in that excited place.  I start my first injection on Monday.  I have my gloves on and I am prepared to do what I need to do to kick infertility's ass.  

And Through it all There is Gianna...

My bright, sassy, outgoing, beautiful, adventurous, friendly, full of life child.  I always knew she was a little miracle but with my struggles to achieve another pregnancy and my diagnosis I realize everday how much of a miracle she really is.

I was sitting on a park bench this morning watching her approach these older girls, whom we have never met, with such excitement and enthusiasm and she hollers "My friends are here!!" and my heart bursted with pride.  She walked right up to them and told them that her name was Gianna and asked what their names were.  After the quick introduction they were all chasing each other up and down the playscape.  Almost as if they truly have been friends for a long time.

This is how she is, from the moment she wakes up in the morming.  She stops people in their tracks where ever she is at and demands their attention and people immediately fall for it.  She will talk their ear off telling them about her day or what her momma had for lunch or that one story about that one time eight months ago...  She can flirt and smile her way into even the coldest persons heart.

She is my little blessing.  My walking miracle.  When I am having a particularly rough moment I stop and look at that bursting ball of energy that is my toddler and smile.  I am so thankful for my little girl.

Same Story Different Day

I just finished my third cycle on Clomid and second IUI.  This cycle my FSH level was the lowest that it has ever been at a whopping 7.  I felt like screaming the news to the world.  Its a 7! Seven! SEVEN!!!! Much like Monica on Friends.  This was my first FSH level in the normal range ever since they started testing it four months back.  On top of that, the persistent fat and ugly cyst that was hanging around on my right ovary for two cycles suddenly vanished and my righty responded very well by growing five follicles.  The dominate follie was at a 20 while the others were in the 15 range before my RE had me trigger.

This morning I had my IUI and thankfully Hubs sperm stats were again off the charts great so now I am officially in my 2 week wait.  So we wait.

We spoke to our RE earlier in the week to talk about the next steps if this Clomid cycle doesn't work.  His suggestions was to go a more aggressive route and I couldn't have agreed more.   He wants us to do an injectable cycle next.  Our hope is that if this cycle doesn't work than the injectables will.  If not, the Hubs and I decided that we will proceed with IVF after that.  At that point I feel that we played all our cards and at that its time to bring out the biggest guns we have.

So its the same story just a different day.  Testing, meds, ultrasounds, more testing, more meds, fingers crossed and then wait.

This week has been a rollercaster...

of emotions.

It all started two days ago when I decided to take a pregnancy test when I first woke up.  To my complete and utter surprise there was a second line.  It was light but, my God, it was there.  I stared at it, frozen, wondering if I was seeing things.  The phrase "a line is a line" kept running through my head.  I had to know if I was imagining things, so I sent the picture out to a few friends to see if they saw it too.

I asked my friends to not say I was pregnant.  Told them to not congratulate me.  I didn't want to believe that this was it.  I told them that it had to have been left over hormones from the trigger.  I kept repeating to myself that the HCG hormone HAD to still be in my system and that this was a false positive.  My friends scoured the internet trying to find different forums and articles about how long a trigger lasts in someone system.  From everything I read it looked like it was super rare for it to still be in your system 7 dpo but on the rare occasion, especially with someone slim, 11 dpo.  I was 11dpo.

Despite all the precautions I was mentally taking, trying to convince myself that this WASN'T pregnant,  deep down inside I was hopeful.  I found myself on cloud nine that day.  I even rubbed my belly a time or two.  Hubs came home that evening and unbeknownst to me started messing with my phone and found the pictures.  He asked me if the pictures that he stumbled on were what he thought they were and I confided to him that it was.  I then quickly explained to him why I didn't want to tell him and that this could mean absolutely nothing.  I could very well NOT be pregnant.  We hugged and kissed and, well, we were cautiously overjoyed.

The following morning I took another test praying to anyone that would listen to me asking that they make this line got darker instead of lighter.  It wasn't.  I was crushed.  To say I cried a little bit that day was an understatement.  When Hubs came home from work he wrapped me up in his big arms and held me as I sobbed like a fucking baby.  Over and over he told me that he loved me.  That he wouldn't change a thing about our life.  That he would 100% take his vow of marriage over again even if he knew before hand that we would have these issues. He said that he felt blessed with our little family of three.  He told me to be patient with myself and to give myself a break.  That he knew it would eventually happen and if it didn't it was ok.  That in the end everything will be alright.  And I sobbed some more.  I married an amazing amazing man.

Today I am feeling a bazillion emotions.  From sadness that this cycle was a bust, to confidence that I am going to kick this diagnosis's ass someday, to thankfulness for the beautiful toddler that I am so blessed to have in my life.  I didn't test today and I started spotting this afternoon, a for sure sign that my monthly BFF is on her way.  If my period doesn't start before tomorrow at 9:00 am I go into my RE's office for a blood draw.  I am preparing myself for the phone call later that afternoon where they tell me I am not pregnant.

After Clomid and Trigger Shot.

For the two people who read this (Ha! I'm not kidding anyone.  I am the only one who reads this) I apologize for taking so long to update.  I wrote this big long post out but couldn't proof read it/publish it before my weekend visitor came over.  I came back Sunday to what I thought would be a saved draft post to an empty screen.  Ticked off a blogger I slammed my laptop closed and didnt cool off about it all until today.  :)

So here we go...

I went in for multiple ultrasounds last week and found out that I had three dominate follicles.  (Two at first and then the last ultrasound showed that a third started to grow).  When I was first told the news I was so relieved.  After I left the office I actually sat in my car and cried happy tears.  Finally after a year of trying I felt a little bit of hope returning.  I couldn't believe it.  I actually responded well to the clomid. 

On the 26th the nurse called the afternoon after my appointment to tell me that the RE wanted me to trigger.  Like the drama queen that I am I hung up the phone and freaked the hell out.  I was scared.  Terrified.  I cried.  I did not want to give myself a shot.  I quickly asked hubs via text if he would do it for me and his response was something along the lines of I am not really comfortable with this, at all, but will if you need me.  Great.

So that night I got the shot all ready and handed it over to my Hubs telling him to do it.  He then handed it back to me telling me that he couldn't.  This back and forth exchange when on for about ten mins, no joke, before he agreed that he could do this to help me out.  I stood there, pinching my stomach fat with my face turned away for him for about five mins while he stood there with the needled aimed at my stomach and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  I turned to him and asked him what the hell was taking him so long because I was starting to sweat and my heart was pounding.  His responded that he was worried about hurting me or bending the needle inside me and that he is going to do it but just slowly and steadily.  At that point I grabbed the needle from him and told him to get the heck out of my way.  I was going to give myself the damn shot.  And I did.  

Honestly the anticipation of it all was a million times worse then actually administering it.  Hubs thanked me for doing it saying that he wanted to help but really couldn't get himself to do it.  He then said something along the lines that he didn't go into medicine for a reason and then mumbled something like "its just not right to have to do something like that to your wife".  I told him he was a wuss.  

Tomorrow I go in to check my progesterone levels and then I go in next Thursday for a blood draw to see if I am pregnant.  

Beginning Clomid

On Saturday, CD 2, I got my blood drawn and another ultrasound to check my follicle count. Later that afternoon I got a call from the nurse telling me that my FSH count went up from the following month. It was at a 12.9 now from an 11. I didn't get a specific number of follicles but from what I understood it was less than what I had the following month and to top it off I had a small cyst. I was driving my car when she told me this and was so taken by surprise so I didn't ask too many questions. Before I knew it the conversation was over.

Basically, this was not the news I was hoping to hear. I was hoping my levels would go down since I heard that your chances with DOR to respond well to fertility med are only as good as your highest FSH level. Before I allowed myself to go into full panic mode I decided to call the office again, ask questions and get some additional information from the nurse.

I asked her if clomid would be a bust this cycle since my levels were elevated from the prior month and she assured me that they were not. She said that if my FSH levels were closer to the 18 range then we would have to go straight to IVF. She said my success rate with clomid for this cycle with my current FSH levels would only go down a couple percents.

During our discussion I decided that I didn't want to do this cycle unmonitored anymore. I figured that by monitoring this cycle I will know for sure if my body reacted well to the clomid or not. It will also take away any guess work as to if I'm ovulating. I felt a million times better after making that phone call and changing our treatment plan.

Then I waited for the evening of CD 5 to my first Clomid pill. The following morning, yesterday, I felt like pure crap. My head was pounding, my mouth had a metallic taste to it, and I was nauseous. The whole nine yards. I realized quickly yesterday that if I ate small snacks throughout the day and kept hydrated I felt a lot better.

I'm not a breakfast person but this morning I made myself eat some a toasted pb&j first thing in the am with my morning coffee. I feel great. No headache. No nausea. No nasty taste in my mouth. I am feeling some twingies in my ovaries so hopefully that means something positive is going on down there.


The game plan now is to keep taking the clomid at night until CD 9 and then see the RE on Monday to see it it helped. In the meantime I'm sending good follicle producing vibes to my ovaries.