Sunday, August 12, 2012

Treading Water No More

Throughout this year and a half that we have been trying to make baby number two I have felt like I have been stuck in this limbo land of wanting to be pregnant, waiting to see if I am pregnant and then mourning over the fact that I was not pregnant to only then have to start the vicious cycle all over again the following month. It felt like I was forever treading water. Just trying my best to stay afloat while friends all around me were announcing their pregnancies, which over time has turned into them all one by one having their babies. With each month that passed it got more and more difficult to continue to tread that water until I reached, what I though was the pinnacle of my struggle, when I finally received the diagnosis that answered all the questions as to why we werent having any success. Thats when the waters got really rough and I found that in order to continue to tread in the water I had to work much much harder to stay afloat. After my news that we ran out of infertility coverage for this calendar year and that the coverage we do have would only cover 1/3 of the cost for IVF when we got it back in Jan I slipped into a dark place. My emotions went from complete shock to, pure panic, to finally depression. The kind of depression that leaves you hiding in the bathroom of your home sobbing uncontrollable tears. I was no longer treading water but felt like I was sinking and sinking fast, just gasping for air. I needed to do something. I had to make this hurt stop. I needed to make my infertility stop consuming my life. I have an amazing blessing right in front of my eyes and I felt it wasn't fair to her that I couldn't get my shit together. So at the very last min on Sunday I decided that I was going to drive back to my hometown with my little sister, Gianna and the dog that following morning and visit with my family. And I did. I only was gone for a quick five days but it was just the medicine I needed. I spent time with my family, ate amazing home cooked Italian food and drank some real good MI wine. I kept busy. Running from one persons house to the next. I had long talks with my mom and sisters. I watch my baby girl hug, kiss and play with her cousins and grandparents. Somewhere along the way I found strength. I regained faith. I began to hope again. This weekend my little family of three spent a lot of quality time together. We watched movies, rode our bikes for an insane amount of miles, and enjoyed a glass or two of wine with friends. I still feel like I am in a good place. Much better than how I was a mere weeks ago. I decided that I am taking a new stance to my infertility. Whatever will be will be. Its out of my hands and its not something I can control. I am no longer allow the stress of it all to consume me. I am trying to keep faith that there is a reason I am walking down this road. That this is just a small part of a much bigger picture that is my life. That I will, years from now, look back and understand. I have to believe that there is someone much bigger than me taking care of me. Faith and Hope.

Friday, August 3, 2012

And My World Came Crashing Down on Me

I completed my injectable cycle and once again, although I responded very well, I have nothing to show for it.  Wednesday I went into my REs office on CD2 to get the ball rolling for IVF.  The plan was to be on BC for a little over two weeks and then start stimming on August 26th.

Although I was super nervous I was starting to allow myself to get excited.  I toyed with the idea that come mid Septemebr this nightmare may be all over.  I could see myself getting closer and closer to the finish line.  I was ready.

Then it all came to a screeching halt.  On my way home from my REs office I get a phone call from someone in the billing department.  She asked if I could talk and I told her that I could but I was in my car. She urged me to call her back when I returned home.  Knowing that my insurance covers a lifetime max of 4 IVFs I couldn't imagine what she wanted to discuss but told her I would.

I ran my errands and called her a couple hours later.  It was then that I found out that although Hubs insurance policy states that it covers all testing, treatment, IUIs and a lifetime max of 4 IVFs there is only a 5 grand yearly infertility max. Meaning, our insurance says it covers all this crap until we hit 5 grand then it's 100% out of our pocket.  5 grand may seem like a lot of money but in the infertility world it's crap.  Pure and utter crap.

She then proceeded to tell us that we hit out max.  We hit our max on a bunch of shit that hasn't done us any good.  To say I was in shock would have been an understatement.  Here this whole time hubs and I were thanking our lucky stars each and everyday for such amazing coverage.  Coverage that would help lessen the stress on trying to create a miracle.  It gave me the reassurance that even with crap ovaries and the possibility of crap eggs I can still give Gianna a sibling someday.  I thought that even if it wasn't in the first shot we could keep trying until it happened and move past this limbo hell we have been living in.  To only have that all abruptly taken away.  I can't stop sobbing.  I feel angry, gutted, frustrated.  And I'm filled with regret.  So so much regret.

I keep playing over in over in my head the things we would have done differently if we would have only known.  We wouldn't have put 20% down on a new home that we bought four short months ago.  Heck, maybe we would not have even bought a new home.  We would have done more research re: DOR and treatment plans instead of blindly following the REs suggestions.  Maybe we would have gone straight to IVF.  Maybe, would of, could of, should of.....

I'm killing myself with all these scenarios.

In the end, Hubs is trying to talk to his company.  See if they will do anything to help us out.  We know it's a long shot but he says he wouldn't be doing right for his family if he didn't at least try and ask.  I've been thinking of ways I can cut costs or things I can sell to bring in some extra cash.  We are determined to have the 10 grand ready for a Jan start date with the assistance of the 5 grand in insurance money.

We can do this.  We have to do this.